whatever

so maybe he's just not that into me. check.

my submittal numbers are down, therefore i suck. check

i "falsified" the fact that i did a reference check, therefore i am a liar. check.

when i redid the reference check, i didn't get the name of the girl in personnel, therefore i need to re-do said reference check and prove that i am not an incompetent moron. check.

i cleaned out my area at work, so there are no distractions. check.

work is no longer "fun." check.

i still like what i do. check.

paint nails and toenails and forget about the shit. on my to-do list.


if this is all some kind of initiation ritual wherein you need to force me to drink alcohol, punch me till i yell uncle, etc., let me know so i can at least prepare myself, mmkay? thanks.

stand still, look pretty

I want to paint my face
and pretend that I am someone else
Sometimes I get so fed up
I don't even wanna look at myself

But people have problems that are worse than mine
I don't want you to think I'm complaining all the time
And I hate the way you look at me I have to say
I wish I could start over

I am slowly falling apart
I wish you'd take a walk in my shoes for a start
And you might think its easy being me
You just stand still, look pretty

Sometimes I find myself shaking
in the middle of the night
And then it hits me and I can't
even believe this is my life

But people have problems that are worse than mine
I don't want you to think I'm complaining all the time
And I wish that everyone would go an shut their mouth
I'm not strong enough to deal with it

stand back up

Go ahead and take your best shot,
Let 'er rip, give it all you've got,
I'm laid out on the floor, but I've been here before,
I may stumble, yeah I might fall,
Only human aren't we all?
I might lose my way, but hear me when i say,
I will stand back up,
You'll know just the moment when I've have enough,
Sometimes I'm afraid, and I don't feel that tough,
But I'll stand back up,
I've been beaten up and bruised,
I've been kicked right off my shoes,
Been down on my knees more times than you'd believe,
When the darkness tries to get me,
There's a light that just won't let me,
It might take my pride, and my tears may fill my eyes,
But I'll stand back up,
I've weathered all these storms,
But I just turn them into wind, so I can fly,
What don't kill you makes you stronger,
When I take my last breath,
That's when I'll just give up,
So, go ahead to take your best shot,
Let 'er rip, give it all you've got,
You might win this round but you can't keep me down,
'Cause I'll stand back up,
And you'll know just the moment when I've had enough,
Sometimes I'm afraid and I don't feel that tough,
But I'll stand back up,
You'll know just the moment when I've had enough,
Sometimes I'm afraid and I don't feel that tough,
But I'll stand back up.

overthinking

apparently, i "over-thought" this email flirting thing. everyone has this idea, that I read fun/flirty emails as a sign of interest. which is just great as everyone gets to be right, once again i end up alone with no one, and everyone else gets to go on about their life all happy and i get to be me.

reminds me yet again why i hate me/my life/everything

i hate you all

heather -- [noun]: A master blogger 'How will you be defined in the dictionary?' at QuizGalaxy.com

wtf

what is wrong with me? why am i crying/hysterical over some guy? it's not like we've dated/kissed/slept together or anything? what the eff is my problem?

why am i so worried about it all? what is there for me to worry about? it's not like i have anyone here to help me through it anyways? my family is in illinois. my friends are spread out over the country. no one is single except for me. really makes me hate everything about me - my job, my life, my friends, my situation. i've already had enough crap in my life, and i really don't need any reminders as to how much of a screw up i really am. i don't have anyone i can call here for help. i don't have anyone that i can go talk to in person for help. almost makes me wish i could go to sleep and wake up in a few years and all the shit will have gone away. i don't want to call any friends out-of-state. i don't want to talk to my parents. i don't want to go to work. i don't want to knit. all i want to do is sleep and the world can just go on about its business and i won't do anything at all. i hate everything about myself and my current situation, so why does any of it matter? why don't i care?

seriously, i hate it all.

Hate

Right now, I hate stuff. And I know it's not productive, but I'm just pissed.

My sockpal's socks were delivered -- haven't yet heard from her.

The guy I'm crushing on right now hasn't written to me in a few days.

My cell phone service (Cingular/AT&T) sucks.

I have a co-worker who thinks she's the boss of me.

All my friends are dating/engaged/married and I'm single.

Everyone I ask for advice on the guy is not single.

My life kinda sucks.

4

4 jobs I’ve had:
Resident Advisor
Talent Scam Account Manager
Editorial Assistant
Recruiter

4 places I’ve lived:
Plano, Texas
Tucson, Arizona
Massapequa, NY
London, England

4 places I’ve vacationed:
Australia
Greece
England
Ireland

4 of my favorite foods:
Chocolate cake (just plain chocolate, nothing else)
Mom's manicotti (though mine's not bad)
Christmas sugar cookies (homemade)
Ginger ice cream

4 places I’d like to visit:
Spain
Japan
Alaska
Hawaii

any of ya'll want it? Take it! :)

Bless his heart

"Let's raise the stakes," the 31-year-old rapper told hip-hop Web site SOHH.com in an interview posted Friday. "If Kanye West sells more records than 50 Cent on September 11, I'll no longer write music. I'll write music and work with my other artists, but I won't put out anymore solo albums."

Hell, I will go buy a Kanye album myself instead of downloading individual tracks at iTunes.

What is it about liking someone that makes your whole day brighter? And "calling" them on something, even in writing, and having them get the joke, makes it even better.

Sockapaloozing it

Thank you Mia!


Socks knit in Garnstudio's Fabel
(they fit perfectly!)

Batman lunch box (love it!)


All the gifties inside


Details?
stuffed bat (love it!), LL in watercolor, stitch markers, Blackberry/Sage bat soap (smells heavenly), iTunes giftcard and a note


Mia, thank you thank you thank you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Just. Perfect.

Your Life Path Number is 9

Your purpose in life is to make the world better You are very socially conscious and a total idealist. You think there are many things wrong with the world, and you want to fix them. You have a big idea of how to world could be, and you'll sacrifice almost anything to work towards this dream. In love, you can easily see the beauty in someone else. And you never cling too tightly. You are capable of great love, but it's hard for you to focus your love on one person or relationship. You have a lot of outward focus, and you tend to blame the world for your failures. You are often disappointed by the realities of life - it's hard for you to accept the shortcomings of the world.

What Is Your Life Path Number?