I’m so tired lately. Can’t figure out what is going on with it. I wake up exhausted, liked I just exercised for a week, about 12pm I’ll be all awake and then by 9pm I’m ready to crash. Wish I knew what was going on, ‘cause it’s starting to become annoying.

Still in e-mail contact with the guy. Not sure what’s going on there. Just think I’ll keep it casual.

Stupid me, right? Just can’t face the fact that I’m alone here in NH w/o friends to hang out with, w/o a social life. It’s just hard, and I really think it’s not fair, but there are people out there with worse problems than mine. So, I just kinda “suck it up and deal” and move on. No sense worrying, being mad about circumstances you cannot change. It’s just kinda lonely. Not helping is that everyone I know is in a committed relationship. Oh, well, it’s been that way for as long as I can remember, so I ought to be used to the fact that I’m alone.

I want to go to Salem, MA, with people in October (it’s fun then), and I can’t find anyone who will go. People s*ck.

Work is going better. Like my job, like most of my co-workers most of the time(!) and it’s still a fun job to come to everyday. I’ve not been able to say that of all my jobs, so I consider it lucky that I can say it about this job.

funk

i'm in a funk. nothing seems to be going right -- friends, family, job, social life. hell, i even had a friend yell across the parking lot on tuesday night that she thinks i'm a virgin. while neither denying nor confirming that comment, it is something that shouldn't have been yelled across the parking lot. it can be seen as hurtful.

the guy. we talked, in person, for about 20 minutes on tuesday. all seems fine. he likes my e-mails. he (i think) likes me. talks about food, restaurants (he'll eat this, and i'll eat that) and then . . . ? wtf?

friends. try to go to a dirty 30s bash tonight, cannot find it in hampton, nh. seriously you DMFs, find some GD street signs. all other friends good.

family can kiss my a**. all of them -- parents, cousins, aunts, uncles, grandmother -- all ya'll can just about drop dead and i'd probably not blink tonight. tomorrow, that'll be another story. and my mom can't stop trying to FIX it all. shut up.

job. for fuck's sake can ya'll stop judging me on number of submittals? i may not place a whole fuck a lot of people but i saw 17 people this last week -- how many did ya'll MFs (and T, you're excluded in this rant -- ignore this one, 'kay?) see? and don't pussy foot around the fact that you ousted me of another event. stupid b*tch.

i hate everything tonight. hate to be a downer, and i know it's not knitting related, but sh*t can i just get a break. just once? how many trials must i go through to show that i an worthy of something other than the cr*p that gets thrown my way each and every f*cking day? i mean, seriously how much more?

bring on the wine.

work

in my working career i've been told that i am or have:

lazy
stupid
unproductive
plagiarized
elitist

but never have i been told i don't do my job.

until now.

and i love my job!

oh well, c'est la vie. what happens will happen, and everything will work out in the end. at least i hope so.

whatever

so maybe he's just not that into me. check.

my submittal numbers are down, therefore i suck. check

i "falsified" the fact that i did a reference check, therefore i am a liar. check.

when i redid the reference check, i didn't get the name of the girl in personnel, therefore i need to re-do said reference check and prove that i am not an incompetent moron. check.

i cleaned out my area at work, so there are no distractions. check.

work is no longer "fun." check.

i still like what i do. check.

paint nails and toenails and forget about the shit. on my to-do list.


if this is all some kind of initiation ritual wherein you need to force me to drink alcohol, punch me till i yell uncle, etc., let me know so i can at least prepare myself, mmkay? thanks.

stand still, look pretty

I want to paint my face
and pretend that I am someone else
Sometimes I get so fed up
I don't even wanna look at myself

But people have problems that are worse than mine
I don't want you to think I'm complaining all the time
And I hate the way you look at me I have to say
I wish I could start over

I am slowly falling apart
I wish you'd take a walk in my shoes for a start
And you might think its easy being me
You just stand still, look pretty

Sometimes I find myself shaking
in the middle of the night
And then it hits me and I can't
even believe this is my life

But people have problems that are worse than mine
I don't want you to think I'm complaining all the time
And I wish that everyone would go an shut their mouth
I'm not strong enough to deal with it

stand back up

Go ahead and take your best shot,
Let 'er rip, give it all you've got,
I'm laid out on the floor, but I've been here before,
I may stumble, yeah I might fall,
Only human aren't we all?
I might lose my way, but hear me when i say,
I will stand back up,
You'll know just the moment when I've have enough,
Sometimes I'm afraid, and I don't feel that tough,
But I'll stand back up,
I've been beaten up and bruised,
I've been kicked right off my shoes,
Been down on my knees more times than you'd believe,
When the darkness tries to get me,
There's a light that just won't let me,
It might take my pride, and my tears may fill my eyes,
But I'll stand back up,
I've weathered all these storms,
But I just turn them into wind, so I can fly,
What don't kill you makes you stronger,
When I take my last breath,
That's when I'll just give up,
So, go ahead to take your best shot,
Let 'er rip, give it all you've got,
You might win this round but you can't keep me down,
'Cause I'll stand back up,
And you'll know just the moment when I've had enough,
Sometimes I'm afraid and I don't feel that tough,
But I'll stand back up,
You'll know just the moment when I've had enough,
Sometimes I'm afraid and I don't feel that tough,
But I'll stand back up.

overthinking

apparently, i "over-thought" this email flirting thing. everyone has this idea, that I read fun/flirty emails as a sign of interest. which is just great as everyone gets to be right, once again i end up alone with no one, and everyone else gets to go on about their life all happy and i get to be me.

reminds me yet again why i hate me/my life/everything

i hate you all