I’m so tired lately. Can’t figure out what is going on with it. I wake up exhausted, liked I just exercised for a week, about 12pm I’ll be all awake and then by 9pm I’m ready to crash. Wish I knew what was going on, ‘cause it’s starting to become annoying.

Still in e-mail contact with the guy. Not sure what’s going on there. Just think I’ll keep it casual.

Stupid me, right? Just can’t face the fact that I’m alone here in NH w/o friends to hang out with, w/o a social life. It’s just hard, and I really think it’s not fair, but there are people out there with worse problems than mine. So, I just kinda “suck it up and deal” and move on. No sense worrying, being mad about circumstances you cannot change. It’s just kinda lonely. Not helping is that everyone I know is in a committed relationship. Oh, well, it’s been that way for as long as I can remember, so I ought to be used to the fact that I’m alone.

I want to go to Salem, MA, with people in October (it’s fun then), and I can’t find anyone who will go. People s*ck.

Work is going better. Like my job, like most of my co-workers most of the time(!) and it’s still a fun job to come to everyday. I’ve not been able to say that of all my jobs, so I consider it lucky that I can say it about this job.

funk

i'm in a funk. nothing seems to be going right -- friends, family, job, social life. hell, i even had a friend yell across the parking lot on tuesday night that she thinks i'm a virgin. while neither denying nor confirming that comment, it is something that shouldn't have been yelled across the parking lot. it can be seen as hurtful.

the guy. we talked, in person, for about 20 minutes on tuesday. all seems fine. he likes my e-mails. he (i think) likes me. talks about food, restaurants (he'll eat this, and i'll eat that) and then . . . ? wtf?

friends. try to go to a dirty 30s bash tonight, cannot find it in hampton, nh. seriously you DMFs, find some GD street signs. all other friends good.

family can kiss my a**. all of them -- parents, cousins, aunts, uncles, grandmother -- all ya'll can just about drop dead and i'd probably not blink tonight. tomorrow, that'll be another story. and my mom can't stop trying to FIX it all. shut up.

job. for fuck's sake can ya'll stop judging me on number of submittals? i may not place a whole fuck a lot of people but i saw 17 people this last week -- how many did ya'll MFs (and T, you're excluded in this rant -- ignore this one, 'kay?) see? and don't pussy foot around the fact that you ousted me of another event. stupid b*tch.

i hate everything tonight. hate to be a downer, and i know it's not knitting related, but sh*t can i just get a break. just once? how many trials must i go through to show that i an worthy of something other than the cr*p that gets thrown my way each and every f*cking day? i mean, seriously how much more?

bring on the wine.

work

in my working career i've been told that i am or have:

lazy
stupid
unproductive
plagiarized
elitist

but never have i been told i don't do my job.

until now.

and i love my job!

oh well, c'est la vie. what happens will happen, and everything will work out in the end. at least i hope so.